


the car ride home

by IrisAnne



Series: what's left [1]
Category: youtube - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Zombie Apocalypse, Ambiguous/Open Ending, Dialogue Heavy, For the sake of authenticity, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Jack's name is Sean here, Light Angst, Minor Character Death, Multi, Rare Pairings, can be read as platonic or romantic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-18
Updated: 2018-03-18
Packaged: 2019-04-04 09:48:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,187
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14017608
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IrisAnne/pseuds/IrisAnne
Summary: the world is ending, phil and sean drive back home





	the car ride home

**Author's Note:**

> im feeling very 2016

****“Gun it.”

Phil clutches his stomach briefly -- _damn cramps_ \-- and Sean speeds off into the highway, the gas station fading from their line of sight. Other than the engine humming, and the occasional growl from the outside, it’s silent in the car. _A storm brewing in the distance._ Phil buckles his seatbelt and stares out the window at the unchanging scenery. The smudges on his glasses make it difficult to see, so he attempts to clean them with his shirt, but it’s too stuffy in the car that Phil gives up and puts his glasses away in the glove compartment. He sighs. Sean gives him a side-eye glance before turning back to the road ahead of them. The window next to Phil opens a crack, a slight breeze blowing in.

“Thanks.”

“Don’t mention it.”

Sean worries for a moment, _but then again it’s not like zombies are gonna jump at a moving vehicle._ The car swerves; out of habit, Sean begins to brake, then remembers that it was just him and Phil out on the road, with no one around for miles as far as they know. The outside is an abstract collection of reds, oranges, and purples. It’s late, and if Sean were to guess the time, he’d say about seven in the evening, eight the latest.

“When was the last time you heard from the group?” Phil asked suddenly. Sean breathed out his nose heavily.

“About two weeks tomorrow.” Phil hums.

Even though they’ve been together in a group with the others since the beginning of the end, they’ve never really talked all that much to each other. Usually, Sean goes out in missions with Robin or Signe, while Phil stays behind with Dan since these missions take an emotional toll on Dan and he can’t trust him to be by himself for _so_ long.

They haven’t heard from Mark for months now.

Felix and PJ are somewhere in Spain.

Phil doesn’t like the silence. It makes him feel sad. _Too many dark and depressing thoughts_. Even the scenery, with all the pretty shades of red, pink and orange in the sky, isn’t enough to distract him. He’s thankful that the highway itself is pretty barren, with no zombies or monsters in sight. _Bad things come out after dark_ , Phil thinks. Any sense of happiness he had is gone now.

Even before the whole apocalypse-thing happened, Sean knew that Phil liked to chatter away. Hell, even _after_ the fact, Phil was the most vocal in the group. He was the friendliest, a peacekeeper in a dangerous time where survival meant constant death and destruction of the living and the dead. Although they never had heart-to-hearts, it was rare for Phil to ever be quiet.

As if reading his mind, Phil speaks.

“What would you have done if you didn’t do YouTube?”

“Hm?” Sean frowns. _He looks surprised_ , Phil thinks. _Maybe I shouldn’t have said anything_.

“By garads, I don’t know to be perfectly honest,” Sean says. _By jeapers, what would have I done without YouTube? Even without starting out on the platform I would’ve ended up back there in one way or another. What an exciting answer._ “I did study hotel management in university, so I reckon I would’ve done that.” _Except I didn’t care much about it._

Phil runs a hand through his head, aware that his ginger roots are more prominent than the last time he checked. Sean’s own hair was a strange mix or dark brown and black from his attempt to get rid of his green hair. His side-buzz (Phil wasn’t even sure that’s what it’s called) was starting to grow out, too. Signe would always shave Sean’s hair every two months. Phil’s own hair was unkempt, dirty, and out of convenience almost always swept back. _I guess neither of us are a catch in this type of situation anyway_.

“What about you? You have an English major, right?” Sean asks. Phil nods.

“Most likely would’ve been a film director or something.”

“Just like PJ?” Phil smiles sadly.

“Yeah, just like PJ.”

Silence.

“Pretty quiet out there, huh?” Sean asks.

“Not much noise at the end of the world.” Sean chuckles a bit. “...Do you think there’d be any radio stations left?”

“I’d be a bit shocked, not gonna lie,” Sean replies. “No real point in radio at a time like this if it ain’t more government broadcasts that’ve been playing in a loop since te’ beginning o’ this whole ordeal.” A pause. “Wouldn’t hurt to look.”

Phil fiddles with the station. There’s mostly static, or dead air. Metal screeching. Sean continues to drive. The sky gets darker, now dark reds and purples. A couple of minutes pass. _He’s not gonna find anything_. Suddenly, there’s a sound.

“Wait, go back a bit.”

Phil turns the dial back. There, fading in and out in waves as the radio picked up the signal, was music. Phil laughs. Sean feels giddy.

“Music.”

They laugh. Finally, after _months_ of only listening to moaning, gunshots, screams, cries for help, _silence_ , they hear music. Sean feels tears stream down his face.

“Signe would’ve loved this.”

Phil starts crying too.

“I know.”

She really would have.

It’s a very retro-styled pop song, one an overrated “underrated” indie would record. The drums nearly overpower the guitar and keyboard, while a man’s voice sings over all this loud noise, trying to drown everything out. It reminds Phil of Muse, and the thought sends him into another laughing fit. _God, Dan would love this if he heard it_. Phil was dying with laughter at this point, Sean not too far behind.

“God, I wasn’t even expecting to hear anything!” Sean shouts over the music. “Much less this!”

“Whoever’s running this needs to be my new best friend!” Phil agrees. They giggle again.

It takes a while for them to calm down (given it was extremely difficult because every time they looked at each other they would be sent into another laughing fit). _Of all the music that’s left,_ Sean thinks to himself. He shakes his head, his glasses sliding down his nose. He pushes them back up. Phil watches him, silent, a small smile on his face. He squints a bit, _damn him for not being able to see without his glasses_. Sean looks at him, cheeks red from laughing.

“What?” he asks. Phil shrugs, still smiling.

“Nothing.”

The song loops again. Sean’s smile falters a bit.

“It’s the same song again.” _Typical_.

“Innit?” Phil agrees, still smiling. “Just ghosts on the waves.” Sean chuckles.

“Can’t imagine the dead being interested in DJing.”

“What music did you listen to, you know, before all of... _this_.” A sigh.

“Mostly? Chop Suey, ‘specially after the first news broadcasts started appearing,” Sean answers. “Wanted to remember the music for as long as I could in case of…” He stops. Phil frowns. “Nevermind. What did you listen to?”

“Whatever Dan would play on the Bluetooth, so a lot of Troye Sivan and old Muse songs for when he was feeling _extremely_ nostalgic,” Phil responds. “I didn’t really have any preferences, although maybe if I knew that something like _this,_ ” he motions outside his window to the darkening scenery, “would happen, I would have appreciated music a lot more.”

“Fair enough.”

More silence. It’s a peaceful sort of silence, Sean supposes. There’s no real need to fill the air with mindless conversation, but it isn’t unwelcomed altogether. _Helps pass the time_ , he thinks. If Robin were here, they would probably be talking about the fastest route back home, their loot, how everyone else is doing, how long it’ll take to the rendezvous point… With Phil, however, he feels calmer, more nostalgic about the life he had. He finds himself grateful for the opportunity he had to entertain the masses, make a career out of something he was truly passionate about. Sean wonders if he’ll ever get the chance again.

“Do you miss it?” Sean asks. Phil raises an eyebrow. “I mean, do ya miss doin’ YouTube, making videos, that sorta thing?” Phil sighs.

“I was really passionate about it, yes,” Phil answers. “I know Dan loved recording videos together. Personally, however,” he muses, “I’m a bit relieved.” Sean’s eyes widen.

“How so?”

“When the entire internet ships you with your best friend, your flatmate of over ten years, when they sexualize not only your friendships but you as a person,” Phil begins to get more animated, “when they don’t see you as a _person_ , well…” A pause. “I’m not gonna lie to you, I’m sort of okay with the end of the world if it means that I can view myself as a human again instead of an object for someone else’s fantasy.”

“Hey, I get it,” Sean finally says. “People used to photoshop me having sex with Mark or Felix all the time. Got annoying after a while.”

“Guess that’s the cost of being so popular.” Sean laughs.

“Would seem that way.” Another pause. “Do you regret it?”

Silence. Sean wonders if he overstepped some sort of unspoken boundary. He opens his mouth to apologize when Phil speaks.

“No.” Phil smiles and looks at Sean, who lets his gaze wander to those pretty blue eyes every fanfiction writer fantasizes about. “I would do it all over again, even if it meant the end of the world.” Sean smiles back.

“Me too.”

Phil looks back out the window. He sees Sean shift back, his eyes on the road ahead of them. The scenery remains unchanged since they left the gas station now half an hour away. _The countryside has always been boring_ , he thinks. It’s mostly empty fields and some abandoned barns they’ve ransacked already a few days ago. The towns are empty and desolate. The only sound comes from the radio, and even then the signal starts to weaken and fade. The sky is more purple than red now.

“It’s getting dark,” he comments. “The sun sets so late in the summer.”

“I’m surprised we have any light at all at this hour,” Sean agrees. “The sky’s been saving it up.” _Like a dying fire_.

“Fitting for the end of the world, innit?” Phil chuckles.

It’s quiet again. The music stops. The sky is a beautiful array of purples and blues now. The only light is from the single unbroken headlight of the car. Sean slows down a bit, just in case they run into someone. _You never know_ , Sean thinks, _when someone might need help_.

(Phil thinks it’s a bit pointless to try and help someone. You can either make a strong ally or recruit someone who is interested in helping themselves. Felix would’ve agreed, although he would have agreed to help anyway. _No real point in fighting what’s left of humanity_ , Felix told Phil one time. _It’ll be easier to eradicate humans._ He’s right, _Felix is always right_ , and Phil never hesitated to help despite his beliefs.)

They drive over several potholes on the road. Phil clutches his stomach again, trying not to groan out in pain. Sean slows down a bit more.

“Sorry.” Phil waves it off.

“Don’t worry about it. I’m probably just hungry. Haven’t eaten since this morning.” Sean frowns. Their rations are low as it is, but they did collect some energy bars that might not be expired.

“We can stop and eat if you want,” he suggests. Phil shakes his head.

“I’ll be fine. It’s not the first time I’ve gone hungry,” he says. “Besides, we need as much food as we can get for the group.” Sean hesitates. “Braking would just waste gas,” Phil reasons. _We’re already down to a third as-is_.

“Onwards it is.” Sean steps on the gas when the road is completely smooth again, wanting to make as much distance as he can with the tank almost empty of gas. He feels a bit bad; Sean knows that he could spare at the very least half of an energy bar, but all of their supplies are in the trunk, and they can’t afford to stop now. _If Phil says he can handle it, then he can handle it,_ Sean concludes.

The sky is completely dark now. Stars litter the sky in beautiful arrays and patterns, little holes punched through a sheet of darkness. Phil would’ve made a comment about them if he wasn’t in so much discomfort. He breathes a bit more heavily, and tries to distract himself from the pain -- _I deserve this don’t I? I brought it upon myself_ \-- and turns to Sean again.

“Do you ever wonder-- why us?” he asks. “How did we make it so far? Is it such a good thing that we’re still alive?” Sean thinks about it for a second.

“I try not to think about stuff like that,” he offers. “‘m too busy trying to plan the next mission, trying to plan where to go next, to really think about it.” A pause. “If I try to think about the worth of my own life…” Sean chuckles darkly. “I would just steal Dan’s branding, wouldn’t I?” Phil’s laugh has no humor in it.

“Yeah…” Phil grimaces. His stomach _really_ hurts now.

“And besides,” Sean continues, “we’re safe right now. No need to think about anything other than the here and now. It’s good to think about what to do tomorrow, but better to just...exist, ya know?” Phil nods, satisfied with the answer.

“I didn’t really believe in this in the beginning,” Phil admits. “That we were quite literally living in the apocalypse. Thought it was all a surreal dream. The broadcasts said that it was all contained in some country in the Middle East or Asia or somewhere, so I continued with life as if nothing was happening. Dan panicked for a while, but I promised that as long as we were together, I would keep him safe and nothing would happen to us.” Sean offers a small smile.

“You two really cared for each other, didn’t ya?” Sean asks.

“Of course! He’s my best friend,” Phil says. He winces. “Or, he was until…” Silence. Sean’s smile falls from his face.

“I’m sorry.” Phil shakes his head.

“Doesn’t matter,” Phil responds. “It’s better that I killed him before he turned into one of _those_.” Sean frowns.

“It does matter,” he says. “You shouldn’t have to kill your own best friend. I can’t imagine how you feel. Hell, I can’t imagine _myself_ killing Signe or Robin or Mark.”

“Even if it meant putting them out of their misery?” Phil inquires. Sean falls silent. Phil closes his eyes. “It was a while back anyway, so I don’t feel too bad about it now. I’m glad that I’m still capable of carrying out these missions with you guys. Don’t want to become another liability.” Sean winces.

“You’ll never be a liability, Phil.” There’s something warm resting on his hand clenched on his leg ( _I’ve never been in so much pain_ ). Phil opens his eyes and finds Sean staring right at him.“We care about ye. I don’t know how we could’ve managed without you.” Phil smiles. He interlocks his fingers with Sean.

“Thank you, Sean.”

Sean smiles back. He makes no effort to move his hand, and neither does Phil. He likes making Phil smile. He always looks so bleak and serious nowadays. It doesn’t suit him. Phil actually looks his age, and the thought scares him a bit. To think that Phil is only a handful of years older than him reminds him that Phil isn’t just a child, and neither is he.

“Things might not get better, y’know?” he says after a while. “It’d be stupid to assume they would.” Phil hums. He’s staring out the window at the darkness ( _I wonder what’s lurking out there_ ). “But I think that as long as we’re breathing, there’s still hope.” He laughs softly. “Pretty cheesy, huh?”

“I think it’s a nice sentiment to have,” Phil agrees. “There’s no wrong way to feel.” It’s quiet now.

Phil’s stomach is burning now with pain and guilt. He can’t be Signe’s replacement for Sean. Perhaps, under different circumstances, he could be the companion Sean needs. He rubs his thumb in circles against the back of Sean’s hand to calm them both. Sean visibly relaxes. At the very least, he can be his confidant now. He places his other hand against his stomach. The pain reminds Phil he isn’t entirely human.

“I’m really grateful for having freedom at a time like this,” Phil says. “To not be restricted by millions of other people watching and scrutinizing me like some sort of alien. I’ll never stop being afraid of dying, but I’m happy with what I accomplished. There are regrets, obviously but… I’m happy to be here with you out of my free will.” _I could’ve chosen to stay with Robin, and in all honesty, I should have._

“I’m glad you’re here with me too,” Sean says, his smile big and genuine.

The road ahead is completely engulfed in darkness. It’s the same as it ever, but it feels emptier, more sinister somehow. A hungering mass waiting to swallow them _whole_. Sean’s eyes feel heavy. _Can’t stop now_. _We still have a long way to go._ He’s exhausted, Phil can tell. Sean hasn’t been able to get a good night’s rest since last month. Phil’s nervous. He let’s go of Sean’s hand.

“Need you to stay awake for a bit longer, okay?” Phil says. Sean nods. “We’re almost to the halfway point.”

“Right.”

Phil puts both hands over his stomach now. His hands are clammy, and his eyes are unfocused. He looks outside, opening the window a bit more. The gas tank is almost empty. He feels guilty. Dan really dicked him over in the end, didn’t he? Even if he didn’t mean to, Phil knew it was a bad idea to hesitate for so long. He looks at Sean.

“The tank’s empty,” Sean states. As if on cue, the car starts to roll to a slow stop. They move a couple of meters forward. The car shuts down. They were completely alone in a sea of darkness. They frown. Phil decides to take a shot in the dark.

“How fast can you sprint?” Sean mulls over the question for a moment.

“About average.” _Should we try to run to the halfway point?_ “Maybe there are signs somewhere…”

“No use if we can’t see what’s in front of us,” Phil argues. “We’re too far from the safehouse, and we could get lost, or separated, or worse.”

“I guess we have to wait out here till morning,” Sean suggests. Phil feels himself start to cry again, and he’s thankful that it’s too dark for Sean to see him.

“It would seem so,” he finds himself saying. _We’re too far from the nearest gas station to run there too._ Phil’s not sure how well the seatbelt can restrain him, and he can’t bring himself to tell Sean.

“Don’t worry, we’re safe,” Sean reassures Phil when he hears him go silent. “No one’s around for kilometers. I’ll protect you.”

“Thank you.” 

“Goodnight, Phil.”

“Goodnight, Sean.”

**Author's Note:**

> the song phil and sean were listening to:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=agdObcVqqMU


End file.
